Body

This is my body, which will be given up for you.

This is my body but none of it is my choice. Except maybe the nude paint on my face to cover the freckles or the black gloopy tar on my eyelashes. I also trim my hairs, shave the appropriate parts, and tweeze my eyebrows, but my jurisdiction stops there.

Had it been my choice I would’ve gotten shiny, bouncy curls that catch the light and your eye. Speaking of eye, I would’ve gotten much better eyesight (these contact lenses are wearing down my corneas). My hips would’ve been slimmer and more boy-like. My teeth wouldn’t have so many craters and I would generally be more symmetrical and rationally pleasing.

My left breast is larger than my right. I favor my right eyebrow though, because its arch comes more naturally than the left’s. I have a circular scar on my right knee and a small jagged line on my left foot. I was blessed with three birthmarks- two on my torso, near each hip and one on my right leg near my ankle. I was also blessed with three ureters- that’s one too many and results in frequent urgency to urinate.

If it were up to me, I would be homosexual and all the other lesbians would ask, why? They would be like Jews unable to understand why a convert would want to take on their hardships and struggle. I’d tell them that they feel better, and if it were up to me, they actually would.

My second toe is longer than my big toe (on both feet) which is a condition called Morton’s syndrome. My feet look just like my father’s. My eyes though, I got from my mother. I’m enchantingly exotic because of her. Confusing because of her.

He said, will you give yourself to me? It was funny because I thought I already had. What he meant was, will you give your body to me? Even though it felt like a sacrifice, I did. I saw his body and his hairiness and the weird bump on his shoulder and the scar on thigh and all I could think about the whole time was combinations and permutations. If there are 26 imperfections on his body and 41 on mine, how many different combinations can be made taking 4 imperfections at a time (with no replacement)? Do you think that’s what our parents did? Do you think my body is arbitrary?

For Jess

If I’m so lucky, why do I feel like I’m in a war camp, just trying to hold on? I’m rationing what I have left and let me tell you, it isn’t much. The days are getting long and the nights are even longer and yet, there’s never enough time.

The cat strikes nine and I’m panicking. Why is it the cat with the attitude, the one I’m allergic to, gets so many chances but the loyal dog died last year? That should tell me more than it does but everything is out of my hands. I’m running out of time.

Let’s talk about implications, pedagogy, banal questions and you. In fact, I’m so interested in you we should scratch the rest and only talk about you. Tell me about how you met your fiancé and what you’re studying now and of course, your goals. What is it that you hope to do with your life? Tell me more about your dissertation and your opinion on feminist neoliberalism and that time you and your friends went to that protest. I’m fascinated.

As for my life, I hope to love it. I’ll dance with it and seduce it and never force it to do anything it’s not ready for. I look in the mirror and my body gives me a flat, disinterested look because I haven’t started yet. I’m still pushing it along. I’ve learned nothing except maybe basic geometry.

I remember something: my mother told me to “fix my face.” I was offended and I said so and she said that I need to appreciate my youth and make the most of it because one day I’ll miss it. Because it isn’t unlimited. Because I’m almost out of time. Don't worry though, this doesn't apply to you.

Just keep striving for more, never give up. Once you achieve a dream, make a new one. That way, you’ll never be happy with what you have. You can just keep on wanting more. If you stop, you probably aren’t going very far with your life. Just keep that in mind.

Interview with Alyssa Patterson

Interview with Alyssa Patterson

Fifteen minutes after our scheduled meeting time, Alyssa Patterson hurried into the cozy corner of the LA coffee shop where I was waiting for her. Although it was raining outside, she looked stunning as ever wearing a red vintage raincoat and Fendi rainboots. We talked for a little over an hour, time in which she managed to tell me absolutely nothing. It seems that there is a lot to learn about her mysterious life beyond the tabloids and rumors.

So, tell me about your new book, Muse. It’s gotten very mixed reviews. Do you have any idea why?

A: Probably because it isn’t very good. (laughing). It’s a story that most people don’t want to read. I was being completely honest when I wrote it, sometimes so much that it was painful. I think it makes people uncomfortable sometimes to read about what they know is true but that they wish wasn’t. Especially regarding relationships.

The book was published as fiction, but there are rumors that it’s actually autobiographical. Is that true?

A: I already told you, I was being completely honest. That’s all I’m allowed to say.

You seem very guarded.

A: Well, I have to be. When something as personal as Muse is available for anyone to read, the little that’s left out has to be kept.

What exactly do you mean by kept?

A: I mean kept for myself, because I’ve given the rest away.

Moving on to your personal life, is it true you’re dating Hugh Jackman?

A: (Laughs). No, definitely not. Hugh’s a good friend of mine and he’s been helpful in the editing process. He’s very supportive.

Supportive of?

A: What kind of question is that? He’s supportive of my writing career. It’s very useful to have such a big celebrity helping to publicize.

Ever since your affair with Prince Harry, you’ve become quite the celebrity yourself. Was that not enough publicity?

A: Well no, apparently not because my book hardly sold when that all happened. Guess I’ll have to try harder next time.

Is it true that you wrote about your sexual encounters with the young prince in your book?

A: Did you not read it? Aren’t you supposed to read it before you interview me?

                                                                                                            

Continued on Page 76.