I write because I can’t stand most people.
When I was young (no particular age, for this was a frequent recurrence throughout my childhood) I often found myself in trouble for getting into fights. Of course, the word “fight” implies a sort of equal action taken on both sides, which was not the case at all. Rather, I would torment other kids. Put simply, I was a bully. I seemed to have the stunning ability to make other kids cry with my words. Quite the superpower, if you ask me.
Eventually, my mom got fed up with calls from teachers and parents. I remember her threatening to homeschool me if I didn’t stop, which actually sounded more awful than just being nice to kids at school. I couldn’t bully my mom, after all. Fortunately, I didn’t really have to be nice. I just had to pretend. My mom told me to start writing down all the bad things about people instead of saying them out loud. This changed my life.
I didn’t get in trouble for what I wrote and I didn’t make anyone cry. I could laugh to myself about all of the awful things I had to say. I could keep lists of different people that annoyed me, and make up funny stories using them as characters. I write because it’s the right thing to do! I write in order to be an acceptable person in society.
Even now, I seem to see the worst in people. I’m not pessimistic exactly, just critical and cynical. I can’t interact with a single person without trying to learn their flaws. I can see right through people to the point that everyone is a character. I’m introverted and hermit-like, and it is no surprise why. I find myself analyzing a person and trying to memorize certain characteristics about them so I can use it for material later. The wonderful part about all this negativity is that it never fails. Everyone has flaws, and I happen to be very interested in them.
At age 20, I haven’t changed from myself at age 5 or age 10 or age 15. I’m a double major in Sociology and English Writing, which means I can study the bad things about people and then write it all down, only now I get rewarded with good grades. I love sociology because I can intellectually discuss how stupid people are. I love to write because it allows me to say all the things I can’t say out loud. Writing gets rid of the social norms that guide everyday interactions with people. I write because it frees me.
What stands out to me is that you perceived home-schooling (forced isolation) as worse than regular school (chosen isolation with the possibility of interaction.) Also you gloss over "I was a bully." Doesn't the bully impulse come from some sense of self-defectiveness? And when you "see right through people" to their flaws, isn't that failing to see their qualities, and in effect failing to see them fully? And to me that is why people- & characters- are worth thinking about.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I am not discrediting what you are saying, because I think we all feel dissatisfied. Your writing is really collected and frank, both of which are necessary. But even though this piece is first person, somehow I feel a real self-reflection (is this what he mentioned in class?) is absent.
Sorry to be so long, I just think there is a lot of potential in here and it was worth explaining my reaction.
The piece reads very well and the prose comes alive. The persona that you created was very well characterized, and by the end I had a pretty full picture of this angry little girl in my head.
ReplyDeleteBut here I would draw what I (may mistakingly) perceive as the Chuck Palahniuk/David Foster Wallace line. Palahniuk is in many senses a "bully" writer; he revels in seeing just how stupid people are/can be/will always be. David Foster Wallace looks at it with a different eye, though; the result is tragicomic and, in my view, much more profound (e.g. "Big Red Son," his essay on the US porn industry; his short story collection "Brief Interviews with Hideous Men"--the humor is there, and the bare nakedness of people's stupidity/flaws--but also compassion for even the most "hideous" of men/women/children/etc).
It's worth noting that I've never read a Palahniuk book and only know him through the filmed version of "Fight Club" and "Choke," which I understand have captured the his tone very well.
But this latter comment is not as much about style as it is about the attitude. The "truth" that the writer reveals below the craft.
So there.
First lines are everything to me, and yours made me giggle. Such a blatant observation really makes me want to read more and see where you will go from there.
ReplyDeleteBut you have a really clear voice throughout the piece and you made me laugh!
This certainly strives to be honest. Yet I wonder if there are two sides to this honesty. I definitely have periods of time where my writing comes from a totally anti-social place: reveling in loneliness or disdain. Yet I frequently find the writing I accomplish during these periods quite dishonest regarding how I actually feel. Maybe you feel more inclined to write when you're feeling this way? Or maybe I'm just talking about myself instead of commenting on your essay...Any thoughts?
ReplyDeleteI like the straightforward honesty of the first line, but would like to see you explore this further, why negativity is wonderful and why human flaws have such appeal. I'm not convinced that you write "because it's the right thing to do;" this seems contradictory to the misanthropic impulse you describe. You're on to something here.
ReplyDeleteI love the honesty of this post. I think we all have a cynic in us, but if writing allows you to suppress your bullying I think it would be nice to see an instance when you bullied someone when you couldn't find your computer or pen. If you can explain to me why people can be stupid in Sociology terms I wouldn't mind seeing a bit of that as well. Especially if it is a career that interest you. If you can point at others's stupidities what are some of your own?
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