The thing about alcohol is that when I’m drinking it, all I want to do is keep drinking it. As soon as I stop and I’m on the slow and often foggy road to sobriety, all I want is to get there faster and never drink again.
Think about it. Every time I drink, I come to this fork in my life. Which direction will I take? More often than not, I take the more careful way. I like the safe path and the feeling of control. The thought of giving in to that deeper, darker side scares me. It’s hypnotizing at first but once I get to that fine-tuned moment when I see two different ways emerge, it’s clear to me which is the smarter way. But is it the better way?
I’ve recently begun to ponder all of the things that haven’t happened to me. I’ve never kissed a girl, never woken up next to a stranger, never blacked out, never even shot gunned a beer. Am I missing out? Sometimes I imagine what it could be like if I just let go. If I made all the wrong decisions and made all the best mistakes. If, in that blurry, in-between point, I gave in to the seductive desire to completely lose myself.
I might dance with all the boys or sing in front of an audience. I might take off my clothes and lay down. I might forget to come home, or forget where home is. If, just once, I could actually allow myself to be a part of the worry-free, dirty, glittering mass of drunks instead of just an observer, I might feel free. But then I have to ask myself, would I like that girl? I think I would.
In my intro to creative writing class I believe our first assignment was to admit to something we were extremely uncomfortable doing, go out and do it. Then write about it.
ReplyDeleteMaybe that would be a powerful lesson for you, and of course it's about writing too.
Getting drunk is the definitely the best! But no, I think the "comments" section is for suggestions and insights into the FORM of what has been written, not to deal with the content of what is being written. As far as form goes, in what would you call this post? Is this an essay? It's certainly not a story. If you want it to be one, we need characters. An anecdote of some sort. A similarity in much of your work I've read is absolute clarity of subject. This is something I am jealous of. Often I am more concerned about how I am saying something than what I'm saying; often I shroud what I'm actually saying with (self-perceived) aesthetically pleasing anecdotes or metaphors precisely because I don't know what I'm trying to say. If you could blanket these very concrete opinions of yours with some aesthetic mystery, some cloudiness, they could seem more "literary".
ReplyDelete"The best mistakes." I really like that notion.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a good job illustrating something a lot of people struggle with: the fine line between going to far versus being too safe.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I would have liked to see a little more physical representation of this qualm within the piece, like an anecdote of a night out or something tangible which you can use as a vehicle for your reflection.
I second Austin's comment here. This line is rarely discussed. There's such a notion in the environment—by that I mean undergraduate environment—that we are all somehow a part of that tells people they are supposed to completely cut loose when they drink. This is a revered process deemed easy by those who it comes naturally to, but you do well in dealing with some of the reasons why it doesn't feel natural to you. I think this can be expanded from just the alcohol situation to other life situations that you feel different in than what is expected.
ReplyDeleteThis is not so much about alcohol but about risk, the allure of it and the fear it can evoke. I like the notion of "wrong decisions and best mistakes." This is so far a philosophical meditation that might be enhanced by exploring some instances when you did or didn't take risks, or witnessed someone else. The thrill of losing control, or flirting with loss of control, is at least in part because there is risk, which is also about death. The mass of drunks may appear glittering in the neon light but chances are they are not worry-free but are wrestling with these same questions. You might push this beyond alcohol and write about safety and danger, the fear of wrong decisions and the allure of best mistakes. What is the best mistake you've ever made? The one you you didn't make?
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