Dead, Head, Bed, Meds.
Dead. I’ve been feeling dead lately. Not the dead-and-buried-in the-ground kind, but the rock kind. Like I’ve never even been alive. I’m a ghost of a presence. I actually walk through walls. People don’t really notice. I should probably eat something, but I’m not hungry. I might be tired or I might be asleep.
Head. I exist in my head. A lot goes on up there. Being dead can get stressful. Busy, even. I get new ideas everyday but it’s starting to get crowded. There’s no room for expansion. I can see myself, the little version of me that is really all of me crowded in my head. Every moment getting more and more cramped up there and running out of air. There’s no room to breathe. She’s getting frantic.
Bed. I won’t get out of bed. I won’t get out for light or for food or even to pee. I’m staying here. I’ll stay asleep and even when I wake up I’ll just lie in bed and pretend to be asleep. No one can tell the difference, not even me. Life looks better horizontal anyways.
Meds. Meds are supposed to help. They’re supposed to make me feel better, or maybe they’re just supposed to make me feel alive. Meds to soothe, meds to protect, meds to end the pain. Just put her out of her misery. The whole idea is a cure. A cure for the living, a cure to be dead.
This is probably not helpful to your writing but I am really glad to read this because lately I've been feeling dead in the same way... I mean... exactly. But then again maybe that is helpful to your writing because you are writing about something relatable and honest and universal. And it helps to read this. I like the rhyming topic words too. At first I didn't think they were there for a purpose other than the rhyme but then you prove me wrong. (If you need to talk about anything, well... I could use someone too.)
ReplyDeleteAt first I didn't really know where you were going with the rhymeing words either, but I like how you bring them full circle and they do end up all connecting. Overall I really like the piece and the ideas your bring up, the only part I think needs a little smoothing out is the line " I can see myself, the little version of me that is really all of me crowded in my head." I don't know exactly how to fix this, but when reading it I am confused. I understand the idea of living in your head(I do the same thing), but I feel like you can't really see yourself through your head because those are your thoughts. I also just am confused by the phraseing the "little version of me that is all of me crowded in my head." Maybe play around with re-phrasing that to make it a little more clear what your trying to describe.
ReplyDeleteGood word play, the darkness undercut somewhat by the rhyming. Keep going with this, more words, more sections, perhaps more of "she," the shift to third person (meds does not really resolve this, but more words might; maybe try rhyming words not so clearly related to these).
ReplyDeleteI really like the rhyme scheme and also your introspection into death, real and imagined. In dead, you describe, this feeling of being in reality but being apart from it. I like how you end the piece with meds to cure this feeling of being alive, but dead. With the meds, you suggest that the only cure to this feeling is to die.
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